I’ve found a new song. You know, the ones that stick with you? The ones that really get you thinking of what the musician is writing about. This happens every so often, and I think the reason this one is on my mind is because it’s a topic that keeps coming up in my life recently.
The song is Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. The topic is also “home”.
It could be that I’ve been feeling a bit misplaced due to an impending move. Or maybe that I have a friend who is moving to a different country and will be quite uprooted and far from her home, in what is now 21 days. It could be the conversation I had with Tyler on Tuesday about some Oxford study he heard about. Or the fact that even after a year at my apartment I haven’t associated that place as “home” once. It’s most likely a combination of all of these and more.
It was that song that really got me thinking about the concept of home though. Mostly because I got the lyrics wrong the first time. I think it says “Home is wherever I’m with you” I for some reason was hearing it as “Home is wherever you feel” (I have awful hearing.)
There were times in the darker parts of my life, where I would be sitting at home (My mom’s house at the time.) in a completely familiar setting, with my cats and things that have been in my house my entire life. Everything that made home for me, and I would find myself thinking “I just want to go home” which of course made no sense. I was sitting in what had been my home for 12 years. So I brushed it off and chocked it off as me just being dramatic. It came back to me though when Tyler and I were talking about that study that he read about. (Which I still can’t find.) Then those song lyrics came to my mind, the way I heard them the first time. “Home is where you feel.” It makes perfect sense really. Well, more like “Home is what you feel” or maybe “Where you feel home”. It could be that home is a person for you, or a place, or even just a feeling of contentment. When it comes down to it though, home is what you feel.
I think the reason I felt so out of place in my home, was because my life was in such disarray. I go back to that same place now, and everything is familiar and wonderful. It truly feels like I’m home when I walk through the doors to my mom’s house. I think the reason for this is that I’m in a really good place right now with most of my life. I’ve managed to surround myself with amazing friends who completely accept me for me, which is no easy task, I have an supportive family who is behind me when I really need them, my boyfriend and I are doing better than we ever have before, and I no longer feel like I have a dead end job. True, things aren’t perfect right now; after all, I’m 23 and moving back to my mom’s house. I still haven’t finished school, and I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and I still have the self esteem of a gnats ass…well maybe the whole gnat at this point. Considering all these things I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the people in my life that make me feel the most at home. No matter how chaotic things get for me, as long as I have a strong base I feel at home and OK. It’s the people in my life that have always gotten me through, no matter what.
Yea yea, it’s cheesey I know. It’s been on my mind lately though. I feel like something big is going to happen very soon, but for the first time in a long time I don’t feel like it’s going to be something bad, and I think the optimism has to do with the feeling of being home for the first time in a long time.